Wednesday, September 18, 2024

     I never planned to have so many infusions and surgeries.  Lots of tiny decisions based on changing conditions and then, there it is. Actually, sometimes no decisions, I just kept showing up.  It feels like I am on a train and I am not sure where the stops are.  When does this train stop.

     Already today, the familiar thoughts come up.  This has been going on too long.  I am tired of being ill.  Maybe I am not really ill but am faking it.  How would I know.  And my family, aren’t they tired of my talking about my illness life.  I am tired of it.  Need new better thoughts. New ideas.

     Treatments with the urologist began during COVID times.  Everyone wore masks.  When the doctor removed his mask two years later, I didn’t recognize him. I had only seen his upper face and had imagined a different face. Even now I wonder who he is, and where is the masked doctor I used to know.

     I am reading ASCENSION, a sci fi novel by Martin MacInnes. I started several others but put them down.  Now this book I can stay with.