Tuesday, March 19, 2024

     Monday’s treatment does not go well.  The clinic is crowded, I am assigned a new nurse, I wait in a florescent lighted small room filled with the noise of drills and construction work, Long waits. I wonder if they know what they are doing. Actually, they are competent and kind.  I start feeling that this treatment is not working. Later at home I finally am able to release the fears and notice the warm sunny day. I have no pain, just fears this time. Next treatment is in a month.

     Anger and fear occasionally arise during these last two years of treatments. So much of life is uncertain and unpredictable whether I am sick or well. This morning after a good night’s sleep I am ready to start building my vigor and health. I was told from the beginning that there is no real cure for bladder cancer.

     My car needs a new battery. Sometime this week I will work on this problem. I hadn’t driven it during the 6 weeks of treatments and now I am ready to drive again.

     I sit in my blue chair this morning eating my hot oatmeal breakfast. The garbage trucks rumble through the neighborhood. The sky is foggy.  No dogs are barking this morning. I drink my hot coffee slowly. My mental storms have subsided.