Thursday, February 5, 2026

     A blank page this morning. Ummm. I wake in the middle of the night worrying about my appointment with the oncologist Friday afternoon.  I tell friends and family that I am going by myself.  I am strong and capable. They have busy lives. But the fears in the middle of the night say something different. So I will accept help after all.

     I don’t do my chair yoga exercises on Wednesday.  I plan to, but then I don’t.  I am caught up in reading THERE ARE RIVERS IN THE SKY. I have some difficulty eating my lunch. I have an occasional lazy esophagus episode when I can’t swallow food. Runs in my family.

     All I want to do is sit in my blue recliner and read more chapters of this book.  I do walk outside to pick up three days of mail. I am strong and capable but sometimes I am pretending following the old adage, fake it until you make it. I am going to try a new one, be honest, trust yourself.

     We watch the new Spike Lee movie HIGHEST 2 LOWEST. I have difficulty fallowing the plot, and the images of New York City are fabulous. I want to visit New York again.

 

Wednesday, February 4, 2026  

     Warm sunny morning.  Walking out on the deck I see high school students walking between their class rooms.  Crows and sea gulls calling out. The potted rose bush has the first blossom. The geraniums have many blossoms. Yep signs of spring.

      When I see current family pictures, I see an old old woman who looks a bit bewildered.  I am not sure the image is the real me but there I am in the photographs. Time to update my mental image to something more realistic.

     In the evening, we watch the movie SING, SONG BLUE. I was reluctant. A wonderful film. It should win awards. I had forgotten Neil Diamonds music is. The music keeps laying in my head.

     I start reading the novel, THERE ARE RIVERS IN THE SKY, by Elif Shafak. Too early to tell if I will continue.  It is a long book. I can’t remember who recommended it.

 

Tuesday, February 3, 2026

    The images of the three doctors treating me keep popping up in my mind. I have many one sided conversations going on. I rehearse what I am going to say, what I need to say.  My actual live time with the doctor is limited so I have this make believe time going on in my mind.

     The TV series, THE PITT portrays real patients.  As they are waiting for the doctor, they are having these silent fantasy conversations.

     Gorgeous moon rising in the early evening. No fog to block the view. I watch the moon for a few minutes and then I am back to living in the curtained house. I wonder how many stunning beautiful experiences I am missing.

     I start reading AUDITION, a novel by Katie Kitamura, a truly starling story. I have no clue how it will end.