Wednesday, January 14, 2026

     Listening to the BCAN podcast with two expert doctors talking about bladder cancer, just upset me. It is medical talk between doctors and I am reminded I am not a doctor.  I am a bright intelligent patient, and mostly invisible. I am not sure what would have been helpful for me.

     Finally, I am struggling with the uncertainty of living with cancer and cancer treatments. There is not a clear path of what to do next. There is a clear path to replacing my home heater but fixing my body, no. Having cancer is like finding a bear living in your home. How do you get the bear out without destroying the home. Each expert has a different plan and the bear continues making itself comfortable at home. At some point the bear and I have to come to some agreement.

     A friend tells me I teased her liking the TV series THE CLOSER many years ago.  I don’t remember this.  I do know that I have been wrong before about my opinions.  I do like this series on Netflix. I have fewer opinions as I get older.

     I continue to read THE DISPOSSESSED slowly.  I am committed to finishing this complicated book if only to prove to myself I can.

 

Tuesday, January 13, 2026

     I dread getting a new computer. This computer is 6 years old, not so old in my mind. One of the keys is broken, you know the one that starts up the computer in the morning when I am ready to write. It now takes several tries to get it going.  And then my 18 year old Honda Element. Sometimes it starts and sometimes not. I am not sure my 85 year old mind can learn new tricks.

     I ask the Tall Man if he thinks I am developing dementia.  He says emphatically no. I had just told him about the book I read about the Coastal Commission and the rising seas. I struggle with nouns, the names of things. The words eventually pop into my mind. I am beginning to repeat stories I have already told many times.  I need new listeners.  And maybe new stories.

     This afternoon I plan to zoom into a program focusing on cis cancers in the bladder. I have had three types of bladder cancers identified.  This is the one I know the least about.

     The Dog Lover brings me my favorite (walnut) cookies from Whole Foods. In the evening, I watch some news and then two episodes of THE CLOSER. The Tall Man drags my garbage bins to the street. I am continuing to read the SciFi novel, THE DISPOSSESSED.

 

 Monday, January 12, 2026

       On my morning walk on the deck I hear the frantic squawking crows. They are restless, moving through the trees and the sky.  I look for a hawk but do not find one.   The only other sound is the roar of traffic. From the freeways.

     A quote by Roland Barthes, “you are the only one who can never see yourself except as an image.” This quote came up in a NYTimes article about THE PITT’s star, Dr. Robbie. It feels so true, I can’t see myself clearly.  I keep looking particularly now, having the role of a sick person, home bound.  What does that even mean.

     And what is performance in life, acting out some ideal.  I struggle with this in the medical world. Am I acting like the good patient or the smart patient or the problem patient.  I shift back and forth while the medical person is shifting in their roles. No wonder it is so confusing.  My goal is to be authentic, to live with this body and not some made up body.

     I am now settled into rereading the 1974 novel, THE DISPOSSESSED by Ursula Le Guin. I met the author at a writing program, FLIGHT OF THE MIND, decades ago.