Tuesday, May 20, 2025

     The face to face meeting with the oncologist goes well. We review options and develop possible plans for treatment. Now on to meet with the urologist on Friday.  I am hopeful for a final plan. I will sleep well tonight. Most likely I will agree on minor surgery in the next couple of weeks.

     I learn something that I thought I already knew. My voice counts. It is all about confidence and courage to speak up. I am not just receiving a plan from the experts. I can protect myself. I can be flexible and learn from this experience.

     I start reading HEAD FIRST, How the Mind Heals the Body, by Alastair Santhouse, a British psychiatrist. So much of what he writes about in the British medical system feels true to my experience here in Monterey. It helps me make sense of the British TV series THIS IS GOING TO HURT.

     The visiting poet is busy with her parents. The tall man brings me some leftover salmon diner. He is a great cook. Lots of birds in the bottle bush tree this foggy morning. I continue to do my PT exercises each day.

 

 Monday, May 19, 2025

     The sun is warm outside this early morning but it is still 59 degrees in my bedroom. I am dressed for wintertime. After days of grief and anguish, I have found some clarity. This is my fifth year of cancer and cancer treatments and I am still alive and functioning. So much to be grateful for as I prepare to meet with my doctors this week.

     The three young hip adults visit in the late afternoon. We talk and then I recommend a series I have loved, LUDWIG on Britbox. They don’t watch TV, so I insist we watch the first episode immediately.  I admit I am sort of bossy. We watch, they laugh and laugh at this wonderful show. I want them to realize I am a smart old lady. When I was young, I didn’t understand that old people could be interesting and alive.

     I continue to read Geoff Dyer’s THE MISSING OF THE SOMME, a slow deep book. On one page he reports on the executed army deserters who are now considered heroes. They chose not to kill the Germans. Memorials are set up to honor these men who had been traitors.

     In spite of the mental turmoil this weekend, I continue to do my physical Therapy prescribed exercises. Walking, strengthening my legs and improving my balance.

 

 Sunday, May 18, 2025    

     I am afraid I am going to make a mistake and die.  Of course, I could and will make mistakes and of course I will die either now or later. It is so easy to label an action a mistake without knowing the big picture. Waiting and hurrying, both are potential mistakes. I can’t escape from making decisions. There is never enough information. This is the human condition. This week I will meet separately with the oncologist and then the urologist as I gather information about possible next steps in treatment. And I will spend time in the waiting rooms before the appointments.

     The two charming young adult grand daughters are in town this week.  We talk in my living room and then, they go walking on the beach.  The tall man is the chef in charge of meals.  A talented grandson is graduating from Tulane University in New Orleans. Another delightful grandson is traveling in Europe. And it is not even summer yet.

     Geoff Dyer is one of my favorite nonfiction writers. I am reading an earlier book called THE MISSING OF THE SOMME, a study of World War 1 by looking at cemeteries and memories of the war. Easier to read about this devastating war in this book.

     Of course, I first watch the news before I turn to a show.  Last night I watch episode 1 of THE CHELSEA DETECTIVE on Acorn. This is a keeper.