Doris Lessing is my all time favorite writer and when I saw this picture I knew that I had to have it.

Didn't sleep well last night, Kept waking up and worrying about my life and yet when I woke up in the morning I couldn't remember what I was worrying about. Maybe tomorrow I will remember.

In the meantime I will keep admiring Doris Lessing.

Went down to Peet's this cold and wet Saturday morning. It was filled, packed with people trying to get a table, trying to get a drink. Classical music played on the speakers but the sound was frequently hidden by the conversations going on.


This is a cafe without WiFi so people have to talk to each other or read the newspaper.


Mostly it was burly old men who occupied the tables and the conversations. One group of men spoke Italian. these are not the old men who are athletes, skinny in shinny clothes. These men were working men, maybe retired but still had the stocky working bodies.

No solitary old women except for me. Where do the old women go? I don't know.

Piles of books and magazines have grown around my comfortable chair in my bedroom. Books that I have started or about to start, Magazines that have arrived in the mail. I have to step carefully to get to my chair. They are not on the table by the chair because the table is also filled.

Ok, I know it is my fault, but the mess creeps up on me as I get excited about something new. Today I will clean it up. maybe

The six year old girl told me a joke today.
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Control Freak, now you say control freak who

wait and then think and then laugh because it is funny

Morning waterfront walk. Ocean surface is calm, rafts of sea lions float in the harbor, wifts of sea lion smells curl over the wharf.

Fog sits on the bay with a finger of fog reaching into Seaside.

Two men sit in a door way on Alvarado street. They ask for a dollar for coffee and I say no. The" No" comes quickly, I don't give money to street men. Who do I give money to? That is the question.

I went to my bank and complained about a mistake on my bank statement. I pointed out that I received a check ffrom the teachers retirement fund. I've never been a teacher. They should investigate who didn't get their deposit.

The teller made a copy of my statement. I asked if she would send me a receipt when action has been taken. She said she didn't know. She had to give this to someone else who wasn't there. I said again that I want some notice if they take money out of my account. She nodded.

MMMMM, I wonder.

It's time to get stronger. I have been feeling weak and tired so I am committing to walking more.

Today I walked downtown to watch a movie at the Osio with friends.

Then we went ot Peets to talk and drink hot chocolate and then I walked home.

Overall, 40 minutes of concentrated walking. hurray

took a walk in the late afternoon on the waterfront. Bright sunny Saturday, families spread out on the beach, colorful umbrellas, balls being thrown.

Peaceful, yes it was peaceful.

I kept walking feeling my body stretch and move and then I was tired, my feet began to hurt, I was ready to stop.

I want to build up some endurance and strength. I just need to keep walking every day rather then twice a week. OK

Drove to Carmel Valley to have dinner with friends. I forget how beautiful the valley is. We sat around and talked and ate a delicious dinner. Their dog sat behind a gate watching us.

This dog is a bundle of energy, full of life, wanting to be a part of everything. For once I didn't feel afraid of her.

Andy Warhol

Took the two children for an outing at the Earthbound Farm Center. We walked and looked around. Finally I went into the store and bought cups of hot chocolate. It was then I realized that something had happened. The eight year old boy had found an injured pigeon, or at least he had thought it was injured and wanted to save it by bring it home. However he put it down and the pigeon ran under the fruit display and stayed there.

We talked a long time about wild animals. I could see how his heart was open and wanted to help but the big question is what is helpful to an injured wild animal. How do we know what is helpful.

We had no answers and the pigeon stayed in his hiding place behind the stacked fruit.

David Hockney

Standing outside the women's bathroom waiting for my shy 6 year old girt to finish, I could help over hear the ruckus in the men's room. Loud voices loudly teasing each other and showing off using colorful sexual language.

I stood there thinking I should knock on the door so they would know that they could be heard in the Library, but I didn't. I listened.

Finally several teenage boys came out, silent, shy, awkward, and went back to their books at the library table.

The six year old didn't hear a thing.

Drove to Nepenthe's in Big Sur with my friends to celebrate 24 years of weekly lunches together. We hadn't planned that we would continue to be enjoying talking and eating with each other for such a long time but there it is.

May we all be healthy, happy and safe.

Rene Magritte, artist

Woke up this morning in the dark. I could see the stars shinning through my glass ceiling, various shades of brightness. Somehow I felt comforted by seeing how vast the universe really is.

This afternoon strong gusts of west wind blew through the town. I shortened my waterfront walk to escape from this wind.

Now it is calm and clear again.

(Friedensreich Hindertwasser, artist)


Went to the afternoon show to see THE BAND'S VISIT. A strange powerful Israeli/Egyptian movie. The small theater was filled with middle aged Israeli's and Egyptians, and me and my friend.

I had thought it was going to be a comedy but it wasn't although we would laugh out of nervousness and uncomfortableness rather then from humor. I do recommend the movie.

Slept in this morning until the room started becoming light. Met my friend to write for two hours but I found I didn't have much to say. What is much to say anyways. We wrote and read to each other glad to be in each other's company.

I drank hot cocoa and she drank coffee. A good morning.

Then I went to see my son's new home in the hills. It's great. Lots of rooms and views of the ocean and the hills. The moving van comes on Monday and Tuesday to move their furniture. they will live much closer to me.

I planned to take a friend for her medical appointment. Suddenly I saw how dirty my car really was, filled with newspapers, plastic bags, cookie crumbs, CD's, trash, dirt. And the outside covered with dust and pollen.

I drove it anyways and tried really hard not to apologize.

I did remove the paper trash.

Maybe tomorrow I can get it cleaned.

Spent the day sitting around not washing dishes or flushing the toilet, waiting for the plumber to come, waiting for the plumber's colleague to bring the right length of clean out piping.

Reading and waiting, missing a lunch meeting I had planned on attending. finally the drain pipe was cleared and I could wash the dishes and flush the toilet.

I have just a few pages left of the book to finish reading.

The tide was extremely low this morning. Long expanse of smooth sand edged the bay.

Looking over the railing I could see the top of a loon swimming by the wharf. Black and white checkered feathers, legs spread out pushing him forward.

Picked up two donuts at Reds and went to Peets for coffee and to catch up with my newspaper reading.. UMMMMM

I'm going around my house clutching a rumpled tissue in my hand. a cold? allergies? I just don't know. I vote for allergies.

Missed early morning zazen at the Cherry this morning. Instead I was blowing my nose

Finally I took a pill and the nose stopped running but my head feels funny. No way to escape this.

Beautiful sunny spring day.

Drove to Carmel Valley for my friend's birthday tea party.
In front of their house were two massive flowering plum trees in full bloom. Pink flowers everyplace.

The sun was hot and I kept moving my chair further into the shade as the sun filled the patio. Too hot even though we are still in winter.

Long slow conversations with people I hardly know.
good food and tea. UMMMMMMM

What I saw at the hospital today:
A dark suited middle aged man being pulled around by a frisky dachshund dog. I asked him if he was the therapy dog team and he said no, he was a doctor and his dog was in therapy. He smiled at me as if I understood the joke.

A burly man in a blue hospital gown lounging, on the inner terrace, in the sun holding tight to his IV pole.

Long drive to Redwood City and back today during rush hour traffic. This time I was the passenger and spend time looking at the green hills, the rushing traffic, the mustard flowers on the side of the road.

I don't know, I think I like being the driver more. I like to have a sense of control over the car.

the day started out sunny and by mid morning cold clouds came in and stayed. Lay on the couch to read after lunch and drifted off to sleep. What a lovely feeling.

On my early morning walk along the waterfront this morning I saw a group of preschool little kids in miniature wheelchairs wheeling themselves around under the watchful eyes and hands of caretakers. One little girl was using a walker to push herself around. I stood by the maritime museum wall and struggled not to cry at the burst of energetic activity by these kids.

Just finished RUN by Ann Patchett, a compelling fiction book about family life, race, life and death. She is such a good writer.

A Peet's coffee house opened downtown Monterey. I went there this morning, not because I like coffee, mostly coffee irritates my gut unless I add lots of sugar and milk. But it's the noise, conversations, movement of people and the possibility of seeing someone I know or should know. Also I see people I know and don't want to talk to.

This morning I left quickly after spotting someone I didn't want to talk to. I am embarrassed about my lack of courage to just say hello and let what happens happen. Maybe next time.

More flowers everywhere.

Herons are hanging out at the rookery, more arriving each day.

Sitting at the red stop light at the corner of Pacific and Martin, many cars waiting to move, turn. The blast of a siren and horn as a fire truck barrels down the road right through the red light. What courage to go through the red light in the middle of traffic.

One man, cell phone to his ear was annoyed that he could not turn on his green light. The rest of us looked up the hill to see if it was our house on fire. Couldn't see smoke from my side of the hill so I went on Whole Foods to shop.

Went to an inter faith study group tonight. We sat around a group of four tables arranged in a square. I took off my jacket and I didn't know where to put it so I wouldn't loose it.

First I had it on my lap and then I put it on the table next to me. It had to remain in sight or I knew I would forget it. Other people seemed to put their jackets on the backs of their chairs, or on the floor, I just didn't trust my memory.

The talk was inspiring and I left with my jacket, Hurray.

Saturday morning on the waterfront. Outrigger club is gathering, two long outrigger boats are pulled near the water. The crew stands in a circle. I can't tell what they are doing. Later walking back from the wharf I hear their shouts and grunts glide over the water as they pull their paddles through the water.

In the plaza a 40 foot tall banquet hall tent is being taken down by a large crew of strong men. Piles of tent cloths, rigging, poles, cranes and lumber are scattered over the plaza. To the side a solitary woman in a security guard uniform protects the site. We nod and smile at each other while we watch these men work hard.