Wednesday, December 3, 2025

     I am awake at 4am, tense, filled with worries.  It is cold and my body itches. I need to use the bathroom. I just lie in bed without the gumption to do something. Finally, I get up, turn on a light, start up the heater, put anti itch cream on the needy parts of my body, use the bathroom. I return to my room, turn off the light, straighten up the crumbled blankets and climb back into bed. I don’t remember what happens next.

     I have an appointment with my primary doctor next week. I am rehearsing what to say to him. My body’s health concerns are divided among three doctors and I am frequently unsure who does what. It feels like over kill. Who is going to help me with my itchy skin? Is it a side effect from the 19 chemo treatments I have had? What about monitoring possible UTI”s to keep from getting sepsis again. What about the fatigue I feel, old age or sickness? I suppose I am lucky to have three doctors even if they don’t work together.

     In the morning, I sit in the cool sun talking to a good friend on the phone. The voices of the high school drift up to the deck. I used to avoid talking on the phone but now it is OK.

     I am settled into reading a COVID time memoir, RAISING HARE by Chloe Dalton. Delightful and upbeat.  No murders or detectives here. Also, I am back to reading David Abram’s nonfiction book, THE SPELL OF THE SENSUOUS, Perception and Language in a More Then Human World. My reading life has improved.

 

Tuesday, December 2, 2025

     I am giving up on the novel, THE HALLMARK MAN by Robert Galbraith, too long. I get confused by too many terrible characters. I really don’t like any of them. 900 page book and I am on page 600. Why do I feel so loyal to a book I don’t much like or understand.

     The day never really warms up although I do turn off the heater and put on my puffer jacket. I drag the bins to the curb one by one, balancing my cane while pushing each bin. I can do this, I am damaged not sick. My new mantra.

     In the morning my two friends come for our weekly writing together time. We do timed writing and then read our work to each other.  Such a warm friendly experience.

     In the evening, I watch Rachel Maddow news, always encouraging.  But then I watch another episode of a police procedural, BLUE LIGHTS. This show is set in violent Belfast Ireland. It has become too violent for me.  I have become more sensitive to violence recently and am looking for other shows. The best non violent show for me is LONG WAY HOME, two old guys riding motorcycles through Europe.

 

Monday, December 1, 2025  

    Already a new month, days just slip by one after another. The lodestone day is garbage day, Monday.  Four Mondays a month.  Every Monday I think, if I don’t get these bags out, I will drown in trash and garbage. Probably not realistic but the fear is real.  As a social worker I did enter hoarders’ homes. I developed a fear it could to me.

     Cold over cast morning.  Heater is on. I receive my house insurance bill in the mail. The cost is up again, but at least they are willing to insure my home. Still, it is almost too expensive. When I retired in 1999, I had adequate income with social security and a PERS pension. Inflation is a real issue.

     The personal librarian and her puppy visit in the afternoon.  The puppy sleeps during most of the visit. As usual I give her a bag of books to distribute to free libraries. I am creating space on my book shelf. Maybe folks are reading some of my favorite books.

     In the evening with the heater on and the curtains closed we watch episodes of two different series, THE LONG WAY HOME and THE BEAST IN ME. The day is done, the diner over and we can watch before bedtime.