Friday, June 12, 2026

     I don’t write about sadness, and yet sadness is part of life. Lately I am confused with the roles of my three medical doctors. I am not sure who does what and who can help me. I over think planning my short visits, writing down the issues that concern me. And yet I don’t feel heard. I am not sure what I want. I am lucky to have only three doctors, a primary care doctor, an oncologist surgeon, and a palliative care oncologist. There are a whole lot more doctors out there that could be treating me.

     I am basically healthy but have a lot of small body concerns. The cancer seems to be gone leaving behind a damaged body from the treatments and aging. I remind myself that I am still alive after 5 years of treatments.  The medical systems is clearly working even if I struggle with my doubts.

     The photographer arrives early this morning full of good cheer and fresh strawberries.

     I am now reading three books hoping I will not mix them up in my mind. The latest is THE ELUSIVE BODY, Patients, Doctors and the Diagnosis Crisis, by Alexandra Sifferlin. My quest is to understand who we are in our country. My retirement job is to read books. I am delighted with watching another episode of CLARKSON’S FARM.

 

Thursday, June 11, 2026

     The heat wave has started.  The house warms up during the day.  I turn on the fan in the living room. I am trying to remember how to live with the warm weather. It is not really a heat wave, just some warm weather after months of fog and cold.

    Wednesday morning three deer are walking up the road, a mother and two youngsters with spots. Walking slowly.  I am sitting in my car hoping they will not come into the front garden. The deer just kept walking past my house.

     This morning a flock of small birds are busy in the bottle bush tree. Mostly I see the branches moving as the birds jump around. A small jolt of joy arises when I actually see the birds.

     All day I continue to read NOTES ON A FOREIGN COUNTRY, an American abroad in a post American world, by Suzy Hansen. Some of my sadness comes from the author exploring the damaging influence America has had on the Middle East. In the evening I watch Ari Melbur MS NOW news and then two more episodes of THE CLOSER.

 

Wednesday, June 10, 2026

     I am a healthy older woman, I tell myself.  But looking at MY CHART indicates something different. A long list of medical words saying I am not so healthy. I sleep and eat well. I can walk and drive my car. I read books and watch TV.  I meet friends in the parks. These are my words describing my life, not medical words.

     But sometimes I forget and am discouraged by the medical words. Yes in the last 5 years, I have had 6 surgeries and many chemo and immunotherapy treatments but so what. I swallow four prescribed pills every morning, I avoid taking showers. I take naps. Who gets to decide how healthy I actually am.

     I did find a good book to start reading. NOTES ON A FOREIGN COUNTRY by the journalist Suzy Hansen. She writes about her long experiences in Turkey and what she learned about her home county, the United States. She has a friendly writing voice.

     I met with three friends for lunch. Three long time friends. Such a treat to talk and laugh with people I love. Old friends are not replaceable and yet making new friends can be ok. And yet old friends are the best. And in the evening we love the latest CLARKSON FARM TV series.