Friday, May 8, 2026

     All day I argue with myself. I stamp my feet. Yes, you must do this, take a shower, pick up the outside mail, do the dishes and laundry. The list goes on and the stubborn part of myself says emphatically, no.  I will not. I will sit in my chair and feel sorry for myself. I am angry but don’t know why. I start doom scrolling though facebook looking for something and find nothing.

     Outside the bedroom window, clusters of white moths dart around the oak trees.  I am doing my chair yoga exercises slowly, watching the moths.

     I have lived in this house for 55 years. I am not sure why this is important. Maybe I am not as adventuresome as I imagine myself to be.

     I am now reading the nonfiction book, THE SALT STONES, Seasons of a Shepherd’s life, by Helen Whybrow. Slow interesting writing. We watch the Colbert show regularly and are mourning his departure in two weeks. He is one of a kind. Nothing new to say about our corrupt government.

 

Thursday, May 7, 2026

     In the morning NYT newspaper, I read the names of books winning a Pulitzer this year. I want these books immediately, maybe from the library or to purchase. I feel desperate. I know if I hold out from taking action the feeling will change.  But what is it I think having these books will add to my life. There is a transitory feeling of something missing in my life that other people have and I don’t.

     A quiet day at home as the day warms up. I check out the plants and flowers in the back garden. I fantasize building a ramp to help with the front stairs. I read for hours about dark secrets of the small Irish town created by Tana French.

     My roommate is busy with her planting in the back yard. My youngest grandson graduates on Friday from college back East. I check the financial section of the paper hoping to read of good jobs for college graduates. We are living in horrendous times.

     We are watching MARGO NEEDS MONEY on Apple+. Poignant and funny. I also watch the News hour on PBS. My ballot has arrived and I am not yet ready to choose the best candidate for governor.

 

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

     We dress in our puffer warm jackets in this foggy chilly morning to sit on the park bench. We meet and talk. I am not sure it will work on such a damp cold day.  But here we are talking and laughing. Too older women who share a social worker background.

      It is the dogs and their humans who make me nervous.  Dogs bite me and spread poison oak.  Not all dogs, but dogs in my past. As the dogs approach the bench I say, I am afraid of dogs. The humans tighten their grip on the leashes and tell me their dog does not bite. I am embarrassed to be such a coward and yet I am afraid of dog danger. Am I the only human with this unpopular fear?

     In the afternoon I give my roommate a ride to her appointment. I sit in the car listening to a podcast on the latest treatments for bladder cancer. In the 5 years of my treatments, many new treatments have been developed. Kinder, easier treatments that may or may not be more effective, and may not be kinder and easier.

    I continue to read Tana French’s new book THE KEEPER.  The book is long and thick with atmosphere. While reading I am living in a small Irish town filled with secrets and mystery. In the evening we are committed to finishing up the TV shows we have started.