Sunday, August 16, 2026

     It doesn’t help to cry. I feel so sad Saturday morning. I suspect it is living with not knowing what is going to happen next in my bladder cancer journey. Nothing is predictable.  I want to experience today and not wallow in fears for the future.

     Instead of an early nap on the couch, I wash the breakfast dishes and counters, pack up the trash bags and put them by front door, open up the front curtains, and go outside with my nail clippers to work on my finger and toes nails. Yep I do feel better.

     I am reading THE MEDICAL ETHIC, A Philosophical Memoir, self published by Dr. Russell Noblett. The difficulty is understanding the links between current ideas in philosophy with medical decisions based on tests, computers and evidence based medicine. Some of his observations help me understand my medical care these past 6 years. I remembering arguing with a hospital list doctor who entered the room to only look at the computer screens. I thought he should actually talk with me.

     So what is my TV report today?  Nothing really new, watching more episodes of familiar shows. I am ok with my choices but there is not much to write about. I am reading a detective book, NORTHWOODS by Amy Pease. TV watching is fun to do with my roommate and reading is a solitary activity. Did watch Friday’s Ari Melber’s news show about the possible severe economic problems with AI development. Something more to worry about.

 

Saturday, August 15, 2026

     Lots of sunshine on Friday. The house warms up. I am ready to face the day.  This morning, we have thick fog. I have a long list of things needing to be completed. If I do one or two, I will be happy. Some tasks have been on my list for a year.  I am hopeful that I will actually clean out the linen closet and eliminate my clothing pile in the bedroom. 

     The large sunflower is still watching me through the kitchen window. The yellow and red tomatoes are ripe ready to be picked and eaten. A friend comes in the morning bringing a piece of cake and conversation. The Meals on Wheels volunteer brings me my daily meal. A long friendly phone conversation with another friend who just returned from a plane trip. I sleep in the afternoon for two hours.  Guess I was really tired. 

     My roommate’s friend invites me to read and comment on a new memoir coming out soon. At first I say yes and now realize that my brain is not trained to read books on screens. Maybe it is not too late to learn but I am not willing to try. There are so many new shortcuts on line that are beyond my interest to learn. 

     I am still watching the netflix series, THE BOMBING OF PAN AM 103. It is quite moving and now I am grateful for each uneventful plane trip by my family and friends. And am reading NORTHWOODS by Amy Pease, a detective murder story, much less scary than airplane bombs. Dogs barking this morning, lots of airplane noise in the sky. This weekend is the climax of car week. Time to learn how many speeding tickets were given by the local police. No new worrying political news to think about just now.

 

Friday, August 14, 2026

    Six booms come through the open windows, fire crackers or maybe gun shots? Dark outside, lights on in the house. No sirens. A dog begins barking. Still no sirens. No flashing lights. I don’t know what gun shots really sound like. My only gun experience is through books and TV. No gun exposure in my family. 

     Wind and fog all day. Today more of the same. I approach each day with the thought of anything is possible. A friend arrives with eleven more library books and conversation. 

     The solitary potted giant sunflower plant is now outside in front of the kitchen window.  I sit in my blue recliner in the living room. The large golden flower keeps an unblinking eye on me. I am being monitored. 

     I cannot continue to read AGING OUT, an exploration of caregiving, community, and how ‘Americans grow old.  Too scary to read as vulnerable older woman. The book I am liking is a self published book, THE MEDICAL ETHIC, A PHILOSOPHICAL MEMOIR by Russell Noblett, MD. The focus is on the creative process of medical decision making. And a third book I start last night, a novel NORTHWOODS by Amy Pease.